How does continuous, unintentional marital rape happen?

Some questions

Today’s post is basically a list of questions for whoever this topic feels important to.

These questions are in regards to marital rape and other categories that might not be as severe but are related.

Here goes:

1. What, in your opinion, makes a woman be more susceptible to marital rape?

I’m referring to the unintentional kind, not malicious marital rape, but ones that come from miseducation and other factors.

What would make a woman say “no” confidently when something doesn’t feel safe or comfortable?

What would make a woman say “yes”, or not register any distress when something feels unsafe or uncomfortable or even painful?

It’s a lack of education, yes that it needn’t — or rather, shouldn’t, be this way. But I’ve wondered if there’s something more if there’s something systemic going on here where women are simply disassociating from  their bodies as a matter of safety or fear?

2. What makes men susceptible to being completely misattuned to the fact that his wife is not only not enjoying sex but is downright afraid, terrified, and outside of herself?

I don’t think the only answer is missing sex education, though it would definitely help.

Because I think humans in a healthy state can do this on their own. Say no when something hurts, feels unsafe, or uncomfortable. Be attuned to your partner’s discomfort, lack of interest, and fear. This shouldn’t be something you need to be taught. It feels like it should be intuitive, like a given.

And yet somehow for many people it isn’t natural or intuitive or even. For the women, that somehow they have no rights to their body. They don’t “deserve” to say no. They ought to give their husbands what is rightly theirs. For the men, perhaps it’s that they don’t understand the trauma that happens? They are so disconnected from their bodies that it doesn’t register that this is causing harm? Sexual repression which leads to becoming so excited that he forgets basic instincts? They are taught that in fact their wives bodies are mainly for their pleasure as they see fit?

Still, shouldn’t it be normal for a man in a healthy place to be able to read that a woman is severely uncomfortable or feeling unsafe? I don’t know. Hence my questions here.

What happens in a persons development that would strip someone of, what I believe, to be natural instincts?

Also, I’m not referring to a one off experience I’m speaking of couples were this happens routinely, constantly for months and years and years on end. I suspect many never even seek help or realize how sad and how wrong it is and how they are worthy of a lot better.

Something feels super amiss that those things are lacking. What is it?

I’m curious what your thoughts are.

I have some theories which I slightly touched on here but it still is something that astounds me and saddens me.

Last question:

3. Do you think this happens the other way around too? With the woman being completely misattuned to a husbands discomfort or feelings of unsafety. I wonder if it does happen but it doesn’t get spoken about because they happen far less?

Anyways what’s my point in these questions? To open this topic and to brainstorm what’s going on here. Any ideas or additional thoughts are welcome. Maybe together we can make progress. Because yes I know people who have or are living in this way. And it’s tragic.

Libby